Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
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TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
i just found this in my phone
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.