Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”