Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Catering service
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.