Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
You Might Also Like
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers