If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
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Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.