Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

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If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.


Bay: come over

Me: no, I’m watching TMNT

Bay: I made one too

Me: but it’s awful

Bay: come watch it

Me: who gave you my number, Michael


I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting

I know this now


What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?


how to fall down a long set of stairs:

step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26


It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.


I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.


Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.


My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.