Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.