Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
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Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Pot warmers of the day.
back to work
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Pigeon open mic night.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.