Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.