Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?