Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Omg 🤣
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening