Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
You Might Also Like
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
A completely valid reaction tbh
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never