Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Smooooooth
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
me hooking up with my ex
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭