Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade