Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.

Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??

*Computer crashes, I reboot it*

Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: Don’t put this on me, man.

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.