Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
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Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.