Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
You Might Also Like
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down