“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”
me at 10am:
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
