Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
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Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.