Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Finally!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.