Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
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Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
Had an epiphany today.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
This kinda thing happens to me often
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.