Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
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Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no