Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
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Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
🙁
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.