Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

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Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever


Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.


A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.


I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.


Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.


Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.


Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name


“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.


cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today