@KatieDeal99 Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
@PHDaniel_Street Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
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@KatieDeal99 
@Writepop Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
@Tmoney68 A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
@Darlainky I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
@jwoodham Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
@amyoosed Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
@schumoo Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
@clichedout Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
@markydoodoo “Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
@Shen_the_Bird cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today