@PHDaniel_Street

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

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@KatieDeal99

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

@Writepop

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

@amyoosed

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

@schumoo

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

@markydoodoo

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today