Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
💻🤡
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes