Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
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[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Good Morning.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
a god among men
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.