Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is

[god on LSD creating Donald Trump

What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?

One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

waiting for halloween be like:

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.

Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.

At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.

I am never leaving this website

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.