Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
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“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *