Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead

-Me after pizza

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH

Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.

How to make infinite energy.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.