Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
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It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.