Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
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Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Things will get butter, keep churning
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Cat.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T