TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
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It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
we all know this pain all too well
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.