Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?