Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
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Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
New mindset, who dis?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours