Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
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*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.