Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
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scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“you recording!?”
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”