Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.