Tony Hawk, age 6
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I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Don’t talk down to me
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me