Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
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im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
my professor scared me for a second
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say