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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
*mops up wine with cat*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I do want to see supervillain origin stories as films. But not the tragic event that forever warped their minds.
I want to see them, like, a few days after they decided to become villains and start trying to source goons, try out costume themes, real organizational stuff.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.