Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed