Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.