@gingerbrigade1

Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku

@AbbieEvansXO

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what

@lipstck_junkie

My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.

@AndyAsAdjective

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

@abbycohenwl

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

@AbbieEvansXO

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

@clichedout

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

@UncleDuke1969

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

@stiggib3

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse