Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.

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mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku


[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what


My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.


Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.


Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah


[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit


Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look


If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her


when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible


My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse