Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.