too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
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*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”