Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
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💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.