Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
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Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on