Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
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I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole