Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
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Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Choose your fighter
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
These work great until they don’t.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!