Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
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Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?