Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Just a reminder, folks:
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
sliding into dms like
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
me and my fake scenarios
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination