Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
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The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
how high up are we talkin’?
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.