Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
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I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
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fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered