Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?