Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
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Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.