Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
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just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.