Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
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2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
The USS B port
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.